Orlando Counselor on Parenting the Defiant Child

If you have a defiant teen, you know the struggle of having to put your foot down regarding rules and obedient behavior. Maybe you have had your child yell “no!” when you tell them to go to bed, or maybe you have been the one yelling because your frustration reached its limit. Regardless of how intense these back and forth conversations may go between you and your child, there is hope in breaking the cycle of defiant behavior.

There are four avoidable T’s when it comes to parenting a defiant child. Keep these in mind, and try to follow the below tips the next time you encounter defiant behavior.

1. Triggers:

Knowing what your child’s triggers are and avoiding them is helpful to reduce explosive outbursts. A very common trigger is hearing the word “no”. Saying “no” before validating your child’s feelings or wants can send them into a tailspin of angry emotions. Have structured schedules in place for waking up, going to school, homework, and going to bed, and always stick to them. Rules should be clearly explained and upheld with your child so they know what to expect. Once these things are established, you can use empathic questioning to lead your child to the solution, rather than only saying “no”. Here is an example:

Child: “Mom can I stay up late and watch the rest of this movie?”
Mom: “I can see why you would like to stay up late as I know how much you like this movie.” Pause
Child: “Yeah, this movie is awesome!”
Mom: “I know, I like the movie too, but what time is it?”
Child: “9 o’clock”
Mom: “What time is bedtime?”
Child: “9 o’clock, but I want to watch my movie!”
Mom: “I know how much you love this movie but what time is it?”
Child: “Bedtime”
Mom: Feel the way your child feels when saying this next line. “That’s right, and I’m sorry for how you feel, and I appreciate your obedience.”

2. Threats:

“If you say that one more time!” or “Don’t you do that one more time or else!” Threats like these are tough to WIN because all the child has to do is say again whatever it is you do not want them to say or do the behavior you don’t want them to do and in their mind they emotionally WIN & you LOSE. When making threats like these the one with the most energy wins. We can’t force them to stop saying or doing something, so making a threat sets us up to emotionally LOSE in our child’s eyes.

3. Temporary Insanity:

Emotions (Right Brain) & Logic or Reason (Left Brain) do not usually work well together. When Emotions are high (temporary insanity) then the brains ability to use Reason & Logic are low. When Emotions are low then the ability to use Reason & Logic is high. Allowing ourselves and our children time to calm down heightened emotions is important before we can have meaningful discussions. Sentencing, or giving consequences to, the child during intense levels of emotion will escalate the child as well. Keep in mind that misery loves company. When your child is upset, they will naturally want to bring you into that sphere of upset feelings. Validate their feelings and remain calm. Here’s an example:

Parent: “I can see your are frustrated.”
Child: “Yeah I am because I hate going to bed at 9pm! You’re so unfair!”
Parent: “I understand why you would feel that way because you love to stay up later.”
Child: “Yes, so why don’t you let me stay up later?”
Parent: (Do not get caught up in explaining something you have explained before. Your child knows the answer.) “I can see how that would be nice for you, but we all need plenty of rest.”

4. Tone:

Escalating your tone to begin a yelling match with your child makes your child feel as though they have emotionally WON because they have brought you into their misery. So, as hard as it is, you need to use a quiet and calm tone. Often, children or teens will calm down or stop yelling so they can hear what you have to say. Keeping a calm demeanor also demonstrates to your child that conflict can be resolved without yelling. It will help them calm down much faster as their body tunes into yours.

Call our In-person and Virtual Teen Counselors in Orlando for help now at 407-248-0030! We also have teen counselors near Altamonte in Winter Park, Lake Mary, Clermont, East Orlando Waterford Lakes Avalon Park, Dr Phillips Windermere. We also help with EMDR therapy for anxiety and trauma and treat ADHD often without medication and the News Media called us 200+ times for our mental health advice.