Perfectionism: What is it and how can we effectively combat it?

Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by the need to demonstrate perfection in how we represent ourselves. Perfectionists may not feel satisfied no matter how hard they’ve worked on something because they feel they haven’t met their unrealistically high standards. 

Where does perfectionism come from?

Perfectionism arises when we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and believe that we should be able to meet them. Perfection, as an abstract concept, is fundamentally impossible to accomplish. We may still feel like we are able to perform without mistakes if we try hard enough or work long enough hours, imperfection, however, is a part of being human and even robots aren’t perfect.

Fear of Imperfection

The desire to be perfect may arise from internal or external pressures to avoid disappointing others. A perfectionist might come to the conclusion that if they never display their mistakes or imperfections they can completely avoid negative feedback. The flaw in this logic lies in the belief that negative feedback is something worthy of being avoided. Our growth depends upon us being aware of where we have room to improve. If we feel strong anxiety or sensitivity to negative feedback it may be a sign that our self-esteem is low and may need some nurturing. Oftentimes, someone with perfectionistic tendencies struggles to accept unconditional love from themselves or others. They may become dependent on conditional acceptance as a way of filling the gap where unconditional love should be.

How Perfectionism Can be Harmful

Ironically, perfectionism can actually cause us to perform more poorly than if we were comfortable with making mistakes. We may become frustrated with ourselves more easily, procrastinate out of fear of failing or give up on our endeavor out of sheer exhaustion. All-or-nothing thinking may lead us to believe that either we are good at something or we are bad at it. This oversimplified analysis of ourselves neglects to acknowledge that there is much more at play than merely us being good or bad. We have good and bad days, we may struggle with some components of an endeavor more than others, and we may simply not have the resources to excel quite yet. By being open to mistakes and imperfections, we can see more clearly how we can improve and where we are ready to move forward.

Can Perfectionism Help Us?

Since perfectionism refers specifically to having a “perfect” standard, perfectionism itself is purely unhelpful and has only negative consequences. However, having standards for ourselves that are ambitious and within our reach is absolutely beneficial. Setting a bar that is too low may be under-stimulating and setting a bar that is just at our level may not inspire growth. Having an expectation of ourselves to stretch our comfort zone is a key part of improving and can make all the difference in our lives.

Overcoming Perfectionism

Perfectionism is both common and can be a natural attempt to understand what we need to do to feel good about ourselves. We feel good when how we represent ourselves is validated and accepted, so naturally, we may put a lot of pressure on ourselves to achieve that good feeling, especially if we feel closed off to other kinds of love from ourselves or others. If we don’t always feel open to affection and acceptance, conditional validation might be the only way we’re able to accept ourselves. Even so, without being able to love ourselves unconditionally we may be missing out on a lot of opportunities for connecting with others and feeling good about being who we are. We are naturally inclined to be connected with others and beliefs about ourselves as only being worthy if we work hard or display perfection make it hard for us to feel love for ourselves, and in turn, make it difficult to feel love for others. Overcoming perfectionism might allow us to feel more connected to one another and can actually support our ability to improve at the things we care about in our lives.

Edited by TLC Intern: Greg Warnecke